Ethiopian Picnic

Yesterday the Ethiopian adoption support group here in Colorado held their annual picnic. We didn't make it last year because Fletcher was sick. I'm so glad that we went this year. It was lots of fun, great to get together with friends we already knew, meet other adoptive families and spend the day out in the sunshine. (Although it was REALLY hot!)

Fletch trying to cool down... Someone ran out and bought popsicles for all of the kids at some point.

Dad trying to rescue a wayward kickball...


The kids trying to get into trouble...

Felix chowing down on some watermelon...


Eventually we went over to the other end of the park where there was a little water play area. Here's Felix with Kaden and Oliver, who are the Matthews' boys. They're also with our agency. We met Lori and Kevin over a year ago now and went through some adoption training together. They're moving to Denver soon, so hopefully we'll get to see them more often!


Fletcher gave me some great blackmail shots for when he starts dating. He thought it was really funny to squat over the fountains and get his "business" wet. I'll spare you the inappropriate picture though.


And Miss Macy freezing her buns off. Don't worry, it was like 150 degrees out so she warmed up quickly. Thank goodness Dad took us for slushies on the way home!

Another loss

It's heartbreaking to say that another one of the baby boys referred in September passed away late last week. He had been in and out of the hospital for an illness...I'm still not quite clear on what it was. Some sort of a bug or flu. These children are taken to the hospital by the orphanage when they are sick. Can you imagine how many Ethiopian parents lose their babies because they can't take them to the hospital?

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We've gotten some questions about timing...

Our agency doesn't really share with us what "the list" looks like. They have a message board specifically for Bethany families adopting from Ethiopia. Going by that list, there are about 12 families ahead of us. However, I've heard that there could be as many as 30 ahead of us, because not all of them are active on the web forum.

Of the people ahead of us on the web forum list, there are only three who are open to a sibling set. These people have specified "one child under X years old...or twins...or siblings". We're the only ones who have specified that we definitely want siblings.

I don't know what that really means for us. For the other families, it could mean that they're just given a referral for one child. I guess all I'm saying is that, if a sibling group comes up, we could quickly jump up higher on the list since most people are just looking for one child.

So where does that leave us?

I have no idea! If I had to guess at this point, I would say that we may get a referral around the March/April/May time frame. That seems like so far away. But in reality, that would be best since Marc would be done with the teaching year and have summer break off to be with the new kids.

We'll see...

Moving along...but not fast enough

Our agency gave out 4 more referrals this week. Three were to new families and one was to the family who lost their infant boy before they could bring him home.

Hooray for referrals. A once-a-month time frame would be nice. Well more would be nice. But I'll take once a month over once every three months.

If you're the praying kind...

Last month our agency gave referrals for four infant boys. Late last week one of those sweet boys passed away. Two others are ill and in the hospital in Ethiopia. Because the 4th family doesn't use the agency's web forum, I don't really know the status of their son. But all of them - and their children - could use some prayers and good thoughts.

Things are looking up

I was visiting Bethany's web forum today when I saw this message posted:

"I was just on the ET Adoption page - revisiting it to see if anything had changed. As I recall it used to say that the wait time for a referral for children over 2 used to say 6-8 months. Now it says 2 months. "

I both love and hate seeing info like this. I love it because it gives me hope that something related to this adoption might move quickly. I hate it because it gives me that hope, then I'm usually let down.

Here's where we are:

• Our dossier should be in DC right now getting authenticated.
• It should be returned to the home office within the next week.
• Within a week or two after that, the home office should send it to Ethiopia.
• I believe it takes a month or so there to be translated and go through the Ministry of Women's Affairs. (I'm kinda sketchy on this part?)
• Then we wait for a referral.

I don't know how many families with our agency have requested siblings, but everyone who uses the Bethany web forum has requested one child and/or infants. Theoretically we could be very close to the top of the list for siblings ages 0 - 4.

Feeling content

Marc and I were talking the other day saying how we feel like this adoption isn't very real anymore. As if it's just another crazy idea we had....like when we wanted to move to another country so he could teach and we could have a really cool overseas experience. An idea that didn't exactly come to fruition. Granted, there has been a lot more heart, thought, discussion, money, time, paperwork, blood, sweat, tears, etc. that has gone into the adoption. It's not really something that's taken lightly like moving overseas for a year. "Hey why don't we go pick up a few kids, that would be neat." Anyway... It's just taking soooooooooooo loooooooooooong that it feels like it will never happen.

But today our social worker forwarded an email from HQ. It said that the first Bethany family made it to Ethiopia. There were pictures of the couple with their kids and with Milkiyas (Bethany's in country rep). It was so special to see. Like a little glimpse into a very private and emotional moment. It was good to see Milkiyas, whom we met when he was here touring the Bethany offices in the US. It almost feels like we have a friend there in Ethiopia who is looking out for us. Anyway...it just gave me a nice content feeling.

Additionally, the email said that Bethany has signed agreements to work with two more orphanages in Ethiopia. This is great news! I don't know what this will do to our wait. I mean, obviously it's not going to make it longer...I just don't really know if/how it will shorten. We shall see...

Not much of an update

Got a call from our SW this morning. The Michigan office said that there are no issues with our dossier and that they'd be sending it off to DC for authentication some time this week.

Being the non-confrontational peacemaker I am, I neglected to ask anything like "Well if there's nothing wrong with it why didn't they send it to DC two weeks ago when they got it?" Sorry, I know that's kinda harsh....but that's just how I feel at this point. They've had it for 17 days. Not cool.

And since I'm not all that quick on my feet first thing in the morning, I also didn't think to ask exactly WHEN it was going to DC....she just said "sometime this week".

Big sigh...

No news, no updates, no nothin'

No news is, well, just that. It's been two full weeks since our dossier went to headquarters (the Michigan office, that is). Theoretically, MI only had to review it and forward it on to DC to be authenticated....unless there was a problem with it. If there was, I assume we would have heard that by now. I've been told that authentication takes 1 to 2 weeks in DC, then it goes back to HQ in Michigan.

I called my social worker yesterday to check the status and it turns out she's on vacation until Monday and no one else know who I was. Promising, huh!? Hopefully our dossier is sitting on her desk (authenticated!) when she returns.

I just want them to send it off already. Its so frustrating knowing that we're been "in the process" of adopting for 8 months now and we don't even exist to the people in Ethiopia yet.

Have I mentioned....

....that these doctor's letters are the bane of my freaking existence? I went to pick them up - THE VERY LAST DOCUMENTS WAITING TO BE SEALED - from the Secretary of State. I thumbed through them and happened to notice that the seal for Marc's letter was attached to mine the seal for mine was attached to his. You've GOT to be kidding me. Ever get the feeling that someone out there is trying to give you a hint??

I go and show it to the lady at the front desk. She laughs and asks me "Well can you just go and get new copies of these?" "Just" as in "could you just run and climb Mount Everest real quick?" It has taken me SEVEN months and a combined 7 attempts to get these letters done correctly. The last time I went to my doctor's office the secretaries all glared at me - in an obvious kinda way, not a "you're probably just imagining it" way. And my doctor told me "I hope this is good enough because there's not much more I can do other than going to Ethiopia for you."

The look on my face my have blatantly said all that because she said she'd take care of it by carefully taking them apart and putting the staples back in the right spots. You see, if any documents are unstapled they look as if they've been tampered with. A few minutes later she hands them to me. They look like she ripped the staples out with her teeth. I really don't know that this is going to fly, but at this point I can't bear to go through getting new letters. I'm just going to try to pass it off and see what they say.

On another note (this is for you LoriM) I found out that our dossier DOES get mailed to the Iowa office now that we don't have a social worker in our office.

Have I mentioned that either? Evidently our Denver office was not doing enough international adoptions to warrant having a dedicated SW. So they had to let her go. Now the SW in Iowa is handling several states, CO included. On a ballsy (for me) whim I (very politely) told her my opinion: Many agencies out there will put couples on "the list" after their initial application. They're then able to complete home study, training and dossier while they're waiting for a referral. Kinda like serving concurrent sentences. On the other hand, our agency requires you to do home study, training and dossier before you get put on the list. While some people expect the whole process to take 6 months total, our agency is quoting about 2 years at this point. I'm sure that makes it hard for them to get new business.

On the other hand, I definitely appreciate that our agency abides by Hague and is uber-careful about everything.

Anyhoo.... Dossier is complete. Next steps:

• Dossier mailed to Iowa this afternoon
• They review and send to Michigan office
• They review and send to DC to be authenticated
• DC sends it back to Michigan
• Michigan sends it to Ethiopia

Costs:

$15 Secretary of State
$7500 Bethany

We're private.

A few weeks ago I posted that we'd be taking this blog private for awhile. To me, the blog is a place for me to keep track of what's going on with the adoption. It keeps me organized, it keeps family and friends abreast of our progress, it allows me to vent and whine and cry when something goes wrong. It's also a place where I can share information about fundraising, philanthropic organizations, charities, etc. A journal and a newspaper combined, where others can catch a glimpse of what's happening in our world.

That said, the restrictions on this blog have become more and more numerous over the past few months and I feel as if I can't really share anything that I want to.

There are things that are very understandable - like not posting pictures or names of your child before you pass court. No problem!

Then there are things that I can kinda sorta understand, but don't agree with - like the "no fundraising" rule. The powers that be in Ethiopia believe that families should have the money for adoption up front. They don't want people fundraising to afford the adoption. I can understand their point. They want to know that the family has the means to support the child they're adopting. But really, who has THAT much money just sitting around? Rumor (semi-confirmed by various sources) has it there are people in Ethiopia (the ET embassy maybe?) that look online for people who are fundraising and that one person even lost a referral because of it.

Then there are things that I just plain disagree with. For example, our agency shared this CNN article with us about famine in Ethiopia, but told us not to post things like this on our blogs because of the image that it would give people about the country. First of all, if someone did NOT know about famine in Ethiopia before visiting my blog, they've been living under a rock. Secondly, many of us use our blogs to incite action in our friends and family. We want them to feel like they should make a donation or do something....or at least understand why we're doing this. We will forever be tied to Ethiopia through our children and we have a responsibility to help.

Several people have asked if we were going private because there was a problem. No, no problem - don't worry. I just don't want my big ol' anarchist (haha) blabber mouth to get me in trouble, so I thought I'd lock this diary for awhile and just give a few people a copy of the key.

A little glimmer of hope today

A few weeks ago I got a generic/mass email from our agency (Bethany) saying they were wrapping up negotiations to work with two additional orphanages in Ethiopia. Being in the business I am, there are always sales talks and negotiations going on and I have learned not to ever EVER get excited about ANYthing until the papers are signed....and even then something could still go wrong. Call me cynical. I call it realistic. So I sort of thought "huh, good" to myself and moved on.

Today I read the blogs of two other Bethany families (not in Colorado) who recently got their referrals. One after 6 months of waiting and one after 4 months. HOLY COW! We've been pretty discouraged depressed over the fact that we're going to be waiting 18+ months for a referral and now we see 2 families get referrals in so much less time. Cue the hallelujah chorus!

Ho-hum...

We had a super crazy busy weekend beginning with a really neat opportunity to meet some folks from Bethany's Ethiopia team. BCS flew out Milkiyas, their representative in Ethiopia. He has power of attorney to sign our names on court documents, so it was good to meet the person who'd be us when we weren't there. With him was Nesibu, who is the director of the orphanage that Bethany has teamed with on one of their projects.


One of the things I really like about Bethany is that they don't see kids as an opportunity. They have a wonderful program that helps keep children with their parents (or other family) whenever possible. All of the kids in this program and in school and they also provide skills training for the parents. The woman who was traveling with Milkiyas and Nesibu as a guide and translator was an American woman who (I hope I'm remembering this correctly) works along with Nesibu and has spent years and years off an on in Ethiopia doing aid work (not just adoption-related). In her time there, she said, she's seen many agencies that see an opportunity and snatch a baby up as quickly as they can. With Bethany, they first try to help the family and, if it's just not possible, then they'll place the baby. She said there's a lot of stuff that goes on "under the table" which suprised me because I thought that Ethiopia was supposed to be one of the best countries in regards to the adoption process...but I guess no process is perfect. (But please don't think I'm accusing any agency - I'm just regurgitating something she said that surprised me.)


One thing that has really made me feel sick in this whole process is the fact that I'm taking these kids away from Ethiopia - their culture, their country, their language, their family (I guess that's more than one thing) and I wondered how the people of Ethiopia felt about this. Milkiyas and Nesibu said that hands-down, no questions asked, the people there are happy about it. They said that the rich people in Ethiopia find a way to send their children here for the opportunity that awaits them in the US. They're happy that we will be giving them this prestigious opportunity. (hmmm...maybe they hadn't been here long enough to see the greedy, consumeristic side of us) So, although I still do feel saddened that we're taking them away from their culture, I at least feel like the people there won't hate us for it. Not sure how much better that makes me feel though...

Despite the cool opportunity to meet these guys and get our questions answered, I can't help but feel discouraged. You see, the topic of time lines came up. Our social worker has always said 12 - 18 months. But everyone and their brother here in the blogosphere has gotten their referral way sooner than that (maybe I'm exaggerating a little). And our SW always seems to give us the longest wait time, then things happen sooner - like on our background checks. So I guess somewhere in our heads we had convinced ourselves that it wouldn't be 18 months. Or maybe we thought that the 18 months included the 6 months we've already put into this. But when Milkiyas said that it would be "12 - 18 months. Yes, 18 months. Maybe less. Probably 18 months." my tiny little heart - and Marc's too - just crumbled. I suppose you can convince yourself of anything if you want it badly enough. And we somehow convinced ourselves that our kids would be home in the next year. Not looking like the case anymore.


Ho-hum...

Oh what a night

We had a great dinner at Habesha, a local Ethiopian restaurant, last night. This has been in the works for maybe 2 months now and our group actually grew so big that the restaurant could no longer accommodate all of us. We ended up splitting into two groups and meeting at Habesha and the Nile. Each place had about 50 people turn out. I never ever would have imagined having a support group that big here in Colorado. It was pretty cool. Everyone was so friendly, the food was delicious and the kids all ran around and had a great time.

The restaurant had a giant projection screen on which they showed Ethiopian music videos. The kids (and some adults) danced and played. The staff was so nice and put up with the craziness well. I think the owner was secretly in heaven. I kept seeing him pick up kids, hug and kiss them, then put them back down to play. Too sweet. And at one point he mentioned to our organizer that one day he'd like to host a party for us, at his expense, as a way of saying thank you for taking care of all of these Ethiopian children. I think that was just amazing. Although I don't think a single person there would say that they were taking care of a child or rescuing or saving them....more likely the other way around. But sweet of him nonetheless.

In talking to so many people last night we found that our agency seems to work very differently than a lot of others. Marc and I kept hearing people say that they had gotten their referrals and were just getting all their paperwork to Ethiopia at this point. With Bethany, you basically don't exist until your dossier is complete and sent over there. So it seems as if our wait is going to be quite a bit longer than a lot of people we met. There were some other differences that escape me right now, naturally. One was the CPR & 1st Aid certifications, which are not required by other agencies. Oh, yes, and other agencies evidently allow you to adopt non related children at the same time. We are only allowed to adopt siblings who have the same father.

We picked Bethany because they are a well-established agency. As a kid, my mom had a friend who worked there, and we know others who are currently using them, so it seemed to me like a good, reputable company. And I know they are. I'm just trying to not let this get in my head...trying not to think we made the wrong decision. We picked them, they are a good company, our social worker is wonderful, I don't have to worry about them closing or going out of business and I know that there are reasons behind all of the requirements they set.

Do I sound convinced yet?